k-xteezy:

Read at your own risk, because it’s really long and time consuming.

You. I’ve known you for nearly two to three years now. Let me reminisce back to the first time we ever met. It was a couple school years ago, 2009 (through 2010), I was like the new kid in the hallways. Always trying to get to class as fast as possible during passing period because I was afraid to get a tardy. Yeah, pretty nerdy right? Anyways, as I would walk to class every day.. this boy would catch my eye. I knew he couldn’t possibly be in my grade level though, so I assumed he was at least one year older/higher than me. He had skater hair, wore glasses, plain t-shirts, skinnies, and some really beat up Vans. From my peripheral vision, I would catch him stare at me from time to time. And when I would go to my locker after 3rd period before I went off to lunch, he would watch me put my things away from his classroom not too far away from my locker, with a smile on his face. So one day, a Saturday, I logged onto my Myspace. I looked through my notifications and saw that I had a friend request from that boy, because I guess I recognized him from his picture. I accepted it, and within less than a minute, he messaged me. It sorta went like this.

Him: Aye, I’ve seen you around school before!

Me: Oh yeah, nice to meet you!

Him: Hey um, I gotta go but.. Can I have your number?

Me: Sure thing, text me! /gives number.

Well, I’m pretty sure there was more detail, but I’ll just keep it like that. From that point on.. Our roller coaster ride began. We texted each other literally everyday, every hour, every minute, every second. A few days after we started talking though, he asked me out. I made up an excuse(s), saying that I’ll think about it; even though in reality I was seeing/dating someone else. He would ask me out about a million times, but I kept rejecting him. We became extremely close anyways though. We would play this game we called “random ask”. A game where we could ask each other absolutely anything, no matter how “random” it was. This was how he learned everything about me inside-out, and how I learned everything about him. And I do mean everything. How his parents were divorced, how he had a cat named fat ass, etc. We had our insiders too; like how we would always say “cheaaa!” to each other, and how 7Eleven was just our “thing”. Damn, I knew more about him more than I did with the other guy I was seeing, my old boyfriend.

Suddenly, in late October 2009, my boyfriend moved away and transfered to another school. I was completely heartbroken, but this boy that I knew so much about would comfort me. And honestly? I didn’t know if it was over between me and my boyfriend or not since he moved away, but I assumed we broke up, so I labeled myself as a single girl again. As usual, I would keep talking to this boy on a daily basis. Soon.. It just hit me. I realized, that I’ve come to like this boy. Just like a “kindergarten crush” or a “Oh, I really like this boy!” kinda thing though. I was really unexperienced when it came to love though. Oops, back to the story! Well, yeah. I told him that I liked him, and he said that he (still) liked me too. I was really happy.

During lunch one day I was hanging with my a few people. Just a couple girls, and this other girl that was in the same grade as the boy I liked. She was a really really really pretty, short, Cambodian girl. But this time when I saw her, I noticed something different about her. Then it hit me. She was wearing one of his Northfaces. As I snapped back into reality, I overheard her bragging to everyone about how she was dating him, and I couldn’t believe it. I eventually found out that it was true, but they broke up within 3 days, the same week I found out anyways.

Then a few weeks later.. He asked me out again. This time I didn’t turn him down or make up a stupid excuse. I said yes. People thought we were pretty cute together. We would wear matching outfits, call each other cute names, and that kinda stuff. I remember when he would even walk me inside my classes and hug me in front of everyone so they would “awww”, and when he would give me piggyback rides around the school because I would be too lazy to walk. As perfect as you, whoever’s reading this right now, may think my relationship with this boy sounded, it wasn’t always like this. As a matter of fact, we would fight and argue most of the time. Sometimes I couldn’t even stand looking at/talking to him, but I still cared about him. Me and him had an on/off relationship though.. Every time I got really mad at him I would just break it off; but then I would always come back not only because I wanted to, but because he would “forgive and forget”.

The first time I broke up with him, he was depressed. So depressed, that he would walk around at school with his face down when he walked by me. The second time I broke up with him, he went out with some other girl for a while, he eventually broke up with her and came back to me though. And the third time I broke up with him.. Oh man. I don’t even know. I was texting the Cambodian girl he went out with way back then, and we were talking about him. She told me that he was cheating on me with this other girl, so I got upset and.. bam. Broke up with him once again. But what really broke my heart, was that he got together with that one girl he was “supposedly” cheating on me with, right after I broke up with him. I was torn apart, especially when I had to face/see them holding hands and being together at school every single day.

Despite the fact he was with this girl, he still stuck around and talked to me a lot. Sometimes I even thought he still liked me more than this girl he was in a relationship with; since he would hang around with me a little bit more than her, hug me around the waist, and do all of the things we did when I was with him. I was pretty sure his girlfriend was jealous of me because he paid so much more attention to me compared her though. He told me that he still liked me and wasn’t really into his girlfriend, and I asked why he couldn’t just break up with her. He said that he’s tried, but she won’t let him. I thought it was stupid, honestly. Well their relationship lasted from January 2010 to about late July 2010. He broke up with her out of no where because he’s lost every single feeling for her, at least that’s what I’ve heard from the rumors. Then he came back to me asking if I wanted him back.. And what do you know? Over all of those months of me waiting for him as patient as possible, hoping that he’d come back sooner.. I’ve lost feelings for him. So then, I told him no, and that I would never ever ever want to get into another relationship with him again. He accepted it, and that was that.

A new school year came around, 2010-2011. Things went smoothly. I had no drama on my plate, and I was happy with my life. This boy has definitely changed too. Not to sound boppish or weird, but his swag level has increased. He wears snapbacks, Nikes or Jordans, and all of that other hyped stuff that I find cute. Um, anyways! I saw this boy that I used to have a crush on and went out with, just as a best friend/big brother and nothing more. I would always hang with him at lunch, and we had 1st period PE together. I remember one day during PE, he came up to me and told me to go behind the bleachers with him because he wanted to kiss me, I turned him down though because I didn’t like him like that anymore. Then when we would run the mile every week, he would finish his early and run right next to me until I would finish too. This boy.. he did so much for me. And I didn’t realize it.

Around October-November (2010), he went out with this really cute girl the same grade as him, but from a different school. (I didn’t really care, I was happy for him.) His relationship with her didn’t last that long though. When it was nearly over between him and that girl, he would vent all of his feelings out to me about her and ask me what he should do. As a good friend I’d consider myself as, I comforted him and helped him. He decided to just break it off and move on from her though. About two months later though, he dated another girl that was from the same school his last girlfriend was from though. This time she was a grade lower than him, just like me. And this time, I didn’t just “not care” about him being in a relationship with yet again, another girl. I felt jealousy building up inside of me. I repeatedly told myself that I wasn’t jealous inside my head, and yet I still was anyways. I didn’t know why though, because I’ve always told myself that he was like a brother to me.. And nothing more. The day that girl broke up with him though was terrible. He looked so sad at school, and I couldn’t stand seeing him be that way.. I just wanted to go slap that girl for hurting him. He eventually got over it and was back to his normal self though.

But then, not too long ago, it was March 2011. I just sat and thought to myself one day about how I felt about you.. And I’ve come to a conclusion. I fell for you all over again. You know what? Scratch that. I actually fell for you this time. Not just a little kid crush like back then when I was still unexperienced and blind when it came to the word “love”. I’ve seriously come to realize that I’m in love with you. Yeah, go ahead. Tell me that I’m too young to understand what love is. But you know what? There is no real definition of love. Love is what you think it is, and how would you even know when it’s hit you right in the face/when you’ve fallen in love? So whatever. Back to the story. I’m pretty sure that I’m in love with this boy. The boy that I used to always talk to. The boy that I had a relationship with long ago. The boy that did absolutely everything and anything for me.. And I didn’t fully realize it until now. 

My entire vision when it came to him completely changed. I don’t see him as “just a friend” or “an older brother” anymore. I don’t even want to consider him as my ex-boyfriend. In all honesty, I see him as my future, my love, the only one I want and need. Call me corny, but this is how I feel. So anyways, I would do my best to get his attention and show my feelings for him as much as possible and as much as I could. I would give him hugs everyday, make him cute little messages, buy him candy, etc. He never seemed to notice though. Actually, I’ve noticed that he doesn’t treat me the same way he did when  I met him, or in the beginning of the school year. To me, I felt like I was nothing to him. Like I did all of these things for him with no meaning, even though it was because I love him. Everyone else at school has noticed though. As a matter of fact, most people at school know that I like him, think we’re dating (still from last year), and/or think and me and him should get together because we would make a really cute couple. I just wish that he felt/thought that way about us, for real.

I told a few of my friends about what I actually think about him though in full detail; instead of them just hearing rumors/assumptions about it. Just because I needed to let some of my thoughts out on him. Then I was telling one of my closest girls that I would confess to him about how I feel, she told me that I should for my own good. I was so nervous of rejection/being turned down though. So I started planning about it..

But damn, then my birthday came, April 2011.. It was probably the worst birthday I’ve ever had, I will never forget it. Let me just skip to the really bad part about it. Okay, so I was in 6th period, working on my assignments with my close girlfriend, and my best friend. I was talking to both of them about “him”. Then my best friend comes and tells me this: “Oh, I talked to him today.. And I asked him if he would ever want to get back in a relationship with you. And he said.. no. I’m really really really sorry. Please don’t be sad or cry..!” My heart dropped so low, it probably could’ve sunk down to the center of the Earth. I felt a rock forming in my stomach, and attempted to hold my tears back. I did a good job of holding it all in for the rest of the class period though before the dismissal bell rang until.. I snapped. As I was waiting by the door to leave the classroom when the bell rang with my two friends, I started crying. Tears flowed down my cheeks like a waterfall. Everyone was staring at me saying “Are you crying..?” or “Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” As I tried covering my face full of water with my binder and closed me eyes, I heard my 2 friends trying to defend me. They yelled out “Stop staring at her! Don’t ask her what’s wrong! Just leave her alone..” They both knew I was crying because of him though. Because I knew I wouldn’t have a chance with him ever again, supposedly. The bell finally rang, and my close girlfriend had to help me walk to her locker (I shared with her), because I was blind from having the tears swell up my eyes. She told me that she would bring me to “him”, so we went to his locker. He wasn’t there.. and I cried even more against the wall. Full out blasting water on the wall, wimping/moaning like a defenseless little puppy. Soon though, one of my best guy friends came over to me and my close girlfriend. He asked me what was wrong, but I couldn’t speak because I was too choked up on my own tears. They both helped me walk out to the front of the school, assuming that “he” was there, and he was. As I looked up to see his face, he just stared at me in shock. I quickly looked down covering my face with my two hands though crying even more. Then my best guy friend ran up to him yelling, “Dude, go over there NOW. She’s crying..” I looked up once again, and I saw him running towards me as fast as possible. He grabbed my body and pulled it as close to his own body as he could, hugging me really tight. I just kept crying, letting my tears rub off on his crewneck, and he leaned down and whispered, “Happy birthday. I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything..” I immediately pushed him away from me, told him that I hated him, and ran away. Everyone stared at me, and I could hear voices that said, “I don’t like seeing girls cry..” or “Why was she crying..?” or “What happened to her..?” All I knew was that “he”, for sure, most likely just stood there with a blank expression, trying to figure out what he did wrong. 

Skipping ahead. The next day after school, my close girlfriend made him talk to me. I tried walking away from him. But then he hugged my from behind and wouldn’t let me go. Soon he turned my body around, set his hands on my shoulders, stared deep into my eyes, and asked me what he did to make me cry. I didn’t answer, because I didn’t know what to say. I knew I couldn’t say something stupid like, “Because I have no chance with you, blah blah  blah.” So I just ignored him, broke away from him, and left.

I ignored him that week until Friday came.. Friday. Man, oh man. I decided to write him a 2 page total confession letter telling him how I’ve felt all this time, so I did, and gave it to him. He had a drastic reaction to it though. He treated it like nothing. Nothing at all. It bothered me about it all weekend, so I tried talking to him about it on Monday face-to-face, alone, for about 3 days straight. He wouldn’t tell me anything though. I would keep asking him, “So what do you think? About us?” and all I got back was an “I don’t know” or “What do you mean?” I hated that he was pretending like there was nothing wrong between us. One morning that same week, we talked about it a little bit in the morning.  He said, “So.. are you asking for another chance with me?” After I nodded and told him yes, he told me that he wasn’t sure about it, then that was it.

Spring break rolled in. He texted me at night, unexpectedly, and we had a “serious talk” about it. He told me that he’s thought about what it would’ve been like to be with me again, and he it wouldn’t be the same as it used to back then. I felt even more terrible. But, I told him that I would wait for him as long as possible, at least try to.. I don’t know. There’s more detail, but I won’t add it in.

Let me skip ahead even more. Spring break ended, and things were sort of normal with him at school again. I soon figured out that he liked someone else, from a different school; typical. It broke my heart though. Other people noticed that it did too. They kept telling me that I was better and prettier than her though, but.. I don’t know. Eventually my close girlfriend told me that he didn’t like her anymore, which made me happier a tiny bit.

Although this boy claims that he doesn’t want anything to do with being in a relationship with me again, he acts like he does; considering the fact that he’s so sweet and nice to me —- making people think that we’re boyfriend and girlfriend. It’s not true though, as much as I wish it were. He walks me to my classes. Gives me those special hugs; the ones where I go on my tippy toes, wrap my arms around his neck, and bury my face in his chest, while he wraps his arms around my waist and rests his chin on the top of my head. And so much more, like really.

Not too long ago, I stayed after school because I didn’t have a ride until much later. “He” stayed with me, along with one of my best guy friends, until my ride came. Me and him switched clothes, I gave him my crewneck and he gave me his Northface. Then he snapped off a really pretty purple-ish pink flower and gave it to me. Shit, I don’t know. I just felt like I was getting closer to him, sort of. Later when I got home, he started texting me, keeping the conversation going decently. Then he called me and we three-wayed with one of my other girlfriends for a little while. I felt special that he called me to join him, though.

Just thinking about this boy hurts me, every single time. I didn’t even know if I should keep loving this boy or not I mean.. Some of my friends say I should because he’s not worth it, then some say I should. Even if I tried to get over him, I wouldn’t be able to because I’ve fallen so deeply in love with him that it’s hard to climb out, you know..? He’s special. I believe that he is. There’s something about him I can’t resist. Go ahead, tell me that I’m a fool for being in love with someone like him, that he’s not good enough for someone like me, etc. I don’t care. Maybe through your perspective he sounds like a jerk, a faggot, or a douche bag but.. Hey. That’s the boy I’ve fallen for. And guess what? I’m honestly afraid to lose him. He’s going to be at a different school next year, and you know what that means. I won’t get to see him as often anymore. He’ll meet new people, new girls. One of those girls might win his heart and take him away from me.. He, himself, might forget about me. And I don’t want that to happen. I’m scared for my life of the day that he might no longer be apart of my life anymore.. I don’t even know why I care about him so much. Maybe because he’s the only guy that’s stuck with me the longest. The only guy that knows everything about me. The only guy that’s made me feel this way. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m stuck. I want him to be mine so badly but.. How am I supposed to do that? I honestly think he’s too good for me. Out of my league. Someone so rare, so special, that I’m just not strong enough to handle him.. I wish he could enter my mind. Feel how I’m feeling. Think what I’m thinking. Then he would truly know why/how much I love him. He’s just wonderful. He’s like my best friend that I just happened to fall in love with. Actually, he is. I’ll never forget something he told me long long ago, “I love you so much. I know you say that I don’t, but I do. You’re the only one I need, and the only person I want..” This boy, he’s changed my life. He’s the reason why I smile and laugh everyday. He’s the reason why I have something to look forward to. But, he’s also the reason why I cry, why I’ve been feeling so much pain.. You know what they say. “The person that you care about the most, is the person that could hurt you the most.” I just feel so stupid now for sitting here, typing up most of the story between me and him. I guess maybe, that’s how much I care/think about him? I don’t know. I just wish he would understand that I’m in love with him, and only him.

Last day of school came. When I arrived in the morning and saw him, I told him to come meet me after school; knowing that I probably wouldn’t see him throughout that day. And after that final bell rang, I dashed out the door to go find him. I soon found him in the front of the school with a bunch of other people, cheering because it’s finally summer vacation. When he saw me, he opened up his arms for me to run into, and then he swung me around a million times like a princess. I felt so happy. But then all of the school staff/teachers told us to leave, so me, my best friend, him, and a bunch of his friends went to walk up this trail on the side of the school with a metal fence. Apparently people tried to “get us alone”; so his homeboy and other people went to the top of the trail to converse with each other and whatnot, and my best friend waited for me at the bottom of the trail out of sight. Me and him were leaning against the fence next to each other, daydreaming. I tried talking to him, but then he teased me and acted like he was on mute while he was “talking”.

We hung around with each other for about half an hour, but then I had to leave. So, I gave him one final hug good-bye. It was really tight and long; I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in the grey Northface hoodie he was wearing, and he wrapped his arms around my waist with his chin on my shoulder. I didn’t want to let go of him, the one I’ve fallen for and have been so crazy about all this time; despite the fact  he has a girlfriend now. He’s going to a different school/high school next school year, as a freshman, and I’m going to be stuck at the same school as an 8th grader. Even though I’m probably going to the same high school as him when I get out of middle school, I knew it would be really hard to make it through next year without him. As we were hugging, I started whispering to him in the calmest voice ever, even though I felt weak and tried not to cry.

Me: I love you.

Him: I love you too.

Me: Do you really..?

Him: Yes, I do.

Me: Promise?

Him: I promise.

Me: Will you visit me?

Him: Yes.

Me: Will you text me everyday?

Him: I’ll try.

Me: ..I’m going to miss you so much..

Him: I’m going to miss you more..

Me: ..Bye, I love you.

Then I turned my head out of his chest, looked up at him, and kissed him on the cheek. We both smiled, let go, and walked different ways. I walked down the trail to see my best friend, and he walked up the trail back with his homeboy and other friends.

We didn’t really keep in touch after that day/moment. Maybe a few texts here and there, but that’s it. Until.. fourth of July rolled in. I was laying down on my bed in my room, then I got a phone call from him. I answered.

Him: Hey, are you going to the park to watch the fireworks tonight?

 Me: Maybe.. why?

 Him: You should come with me, and others. Haha.

 Me: Maybe later!

 Him: Haha, okay bye.

 I asked my mom if I could go hang out with him and his friends, and she told me I can if he picks me up somewhere in the park. So I told him to get me and he picked me up somewhere in by Ivar’s, right? With his friend or whatever, and it made me feel hella cock-blocked because he ignored me and mostly only talked to him. All three of us were walking to the playground, then halfway his friend had to go somewhere so it was just me and him walking. It wasn’t for long though, like a couple seconds later his other homeboy cock-blocked us and I walked behind the both of them. We finally got to the playground, and what do you know? His girlfriend was there, and my heart dropped. So me and his homeboy were like third wheelers with them, as him and his girl walked around together and shit. So then I left those two alone and hung out with his homeboy for a while; we sat on the grass in front of the sand/lake and I met his homeboy’s family, haha. Then, my phone vibrated. I looked at the screen and it clearly said, his name. So I picked up.

Him: Meet me by the bathroom at Ivar’s/Kidd Valley!

Me: Um.. why? Is anyone with you? (I didn’t wanna go if his girlfriend was there.)

Him: No, because I’m about to take a shit in the bathroom, haha Just come, okay!

Me: Oka—-

End of call.

So I got up from sitting in the grass and dashed my way to where he was. While I was still on the phone with him (I re-called him), I looked through the glass wall into Kidd Valley and saw him. I felt a big smile coming to my face and cheerfully said, “I see you!” then hung up. I opened the door that goes into Kidd Valley, and walked up to him smiling. But then that smile went away. His girlfriend was behind him talking with her friends, and two of his other homeboys were there too. But it was whatever.

He tried making me buy him a burger even though I was broke as hell and had no money, haha. Silly him. Then all of us (me, him, his girlfriend, and all of those other people) exited Kidd Valley and waited outside for the fireworks to start for like, 30 minutes. He was a little bit far away from me, talking to his friend that was with us when he picked me up earlier, and this other chick; and I hung around his two homeboys. They introduced themselves to me, and I became friends with them. One asked me if I liked “him”, but I put on a fake smile like it was nothing and shrugged my shoulders. Then both of them told me they’ve heard of me before, and that I was the one who cried at school over him before, which was true. I made no comment about it though.

They made me walk over to where “he” was, but it was no use. He still barely paid attention to me and talked to me. But whatever. So I just continued talking to his homeboys. “He” kept going around and flirting/talking/hugging girls (he knows), but still it made me sick. While he was off doing that, I heard one of his boys say something like “Damn, I don’t know how he does it but I could never live his life; flirting with all of these other girls while he has a girlfriend.” Blah blah blah, then him and his boys talked about drinking and smoking and getting high later that night, and it made me feel very disappointed.

The fireworks were about to start, so all of us walked down the stairs to go by Ivar’s, towards the docks. Then all of a sudden, “his” really close friend comes out of no where and of course Renchen and everyone else goes to tackle him and stuff, because he finally made it to the park. I greeted him too, and then all of us once again walked back towards the docks. Me and his close friend were walking behind “him” and his girlfriend; and then he (his friend) leaned in to whisper/ask me, “Are you jealous..?” My heart dropped, but I just responded to him and said, “I don’t know.. But this entire time I’ve had to hang with them I’ve been forcing myself to look away.”

Then the fireworks started. I glanced at him and his girlfriend, and what do you know? He wrapped his arms around her waist/stomach from behind and had his chin on the top of her head, and she was leaned back into his body. I felt jealous. Really jealous. I just wanted to scream and yell something stupid like, “Stop it, she’s not right for you! That should be me instead of her..” But instead I held it in. Actually, I felt so terrible that I started leaving/walking away from everyone including him and his girlfriend. I walked along the trail to go back to the beach part of the park, but when I looked back again before I took my trip back, he was gone and wasn’t with his girlfriend anymore. I wondered where he went.

So I depressingly walked to the beach, past all of the people that were still gazing at the fireworks going off in amazement. Then, as I was passing by that concession stand by the beach that sold food and stuff, I saw him with his homeboy I sat on the grass with earlier. I was spacing out as I stared at them, and then his homeboy saw me, waved at me, and said “Hi Gelayn!” I waved back, and noticed that “he” turned his head to stare at me. I quickly looked away and kept walking in an upset mood, with my face dropped down..

 A split second later, I felt someone grab my hand/hold me around the waist from behind to stop me. It was him. He went in front of me and tried to look into my eyes. In his calm voice, he tried talking to me. “What’s wrong? Did I do anything? Did you get in trouble? Did your parents yell at you for being with me?..” And so on. I just politely shook my head because none of his guesses of why I was sad were correct. So I kept quiet as my thoughts pounded in my head. What was I supposed to say to him? That I was depressed because of his girlfriend? That I was jealous? That he still doesn’t understand how I feel about him? That I wanted him to be mine so badly, even though he belonged to someone else..? I couldnt stand it anymore. Then he put his hands on my shoulders, pulled me to his chest, put his chin on one of my shoulders, and hugged me. I was speechless and didn’t know what to do. He tried lifting one of my arms up to wrap it around him, but I refused to hug him back. He gave up on that, and whispered, “..Stay safe, okay?” Then let go of me, patted me on the head like I was a little kid, and walked away. I just stood there for a good 5 seconds as huge crowds of people were attempting to exit the park because the fireworks ended when he left/let go of me, and continued to walk home.

Out of no where, I bursted out crying. I was crying so hard, because I felt like I blew my chance and couldn’t do anything about it. I was frustrated too because I knew I somewhat let him get away. Also because I’m still not his, and he’s not mine; he belonged to his girlfriend. I just didn’t understand why he would do everything and anything for her, when she hasn’t even done half of the shit I’ve done for him.. I tried harder for him than her. I put more effort into him than her. And I knew for sure I loved him more than her.

When I got home, I ran into my room, locked the door, kept the lights off, and cried into the pillow on my bed. I pulled out my phone and texted him, “I’m sorry..” He responded back quick and said, “For?” I replied “I don’t know, I just am okay..” Then that was all from him. I felt like dying that night after the fireworks, and just cried myself to sleep.

A couple weeks later, extremely late at night, I decided to text him to get things off my chest. The text was about 26 pages long. And here was our full conversation:

Me: Hi ninja, just checking up on you to see how you’re doing. I know we haven’t spoke to each other since 4th of July, and I’ve been sort of  ignoring all contact from you to clear my mind. Well, right now I kind of want to share with you how I feel and some of my thoughts. I heard you and your girlfriend broke up recently, and I’m sorry about that. I knew you probably liked her a lot, so I hope you take it in okay. Soon, you’ll fall for another girl that’ll make you even happier. All I ask is for your next girl to take good care of you, because you’re special. Everything about you is just.. Perfect. You’re kind, funny, thoughtful, and any girl would be so lucky to have you. Sometimes though, I wish I could be that girl. The one that could make you smile and burst full of happiness like no other. I really fell for you, you know. Hard. I don’t know why though. Something about you just made me realize that you were the one for me. It stabbed me in the heart when you told me you didn’t feel the same way. So that’s why I tried so hard to win your heart, refusing to give up on you no matter what everyone that didn’t support me said. I didn’t care, because I loved you. Nothing seemed to work though. You acted uninterested. Like all of my effort wasn’t enough to please you. All I wanted was to get another chance from you, so I could prove that I’m not like the other girls.. Yeah, I’m not the prettiest. I don’t have long silky hair. I don’t have a perfect petite body. I don’t have a naturally cute sense of style. But I have a big heart, that I was willing to give to you. Come on now, you’re like my best guy friend of almost 2 years now. I don’t want to let you go; as another friendship down the drain.. My best one ever, too. You’re just too priceless, I want you all to myself. I wouldn’t ever intend to hurt you, or stop trying whatsoever.  wish you would just believe me and give me a shot. I’ve always wondered how you actually felt about you though, and my feelings. Not just the “being speechless” part. Like honestly. No matter what, you never told me though. Were you shy? Afraid to hurt me emotionally? If only I knew.. If we ever got back together soon, theoretically speaking, I would make it work for the both of us. Through ups and downs, I’d hold on. I’d ignore all of the stupid arguments over nothing. I’d never have seconds thoughts/doubts about us. I’d stay strong and confident that we;d fight through everything together. I’d give you my all, and overly show you that I’ll always care for you with constant reassurance; because I wouldn’t want you to fall for anyone else. Remember that promise we made when we met each other when we first met? “I promise that I’ll always love you.” Well, I’m still carrying on that promise, until the day I die. Because it’s true. I love you, Renchen Claveria. People can call me stupid for still somewhat chasing after you, I don’t care. I just wanted to show you and make a point, that I can be someone special to you, as you are to me. I don’t know if you’re going toreply to my ridiculously long message to you, but.. It would be nice to hear what you think.

Him: Calling me would’ve saved time, haha. But can I just shorten out all of my answers?

Me: Um, sure.

Him: Well reasons why I didn’t get together with you back then.. I didn’t feel the same way. Your parents fucking hate the shit out of me (and still do.) You don’t have hella freedom. Other than that, I would be glad to be with you.

Me: Oh, I see.. But I don’t care about what my parents think. My mom doesn’t even completely hate you, she’s more okay with you than my dad will probably ever be. And even though  I don’t have that much “freedom”, we could still try to make it work somehow. I don’t know..

Him: If we were ever together again, I want your parents’ trust.. BOTH of theirs.

Me: I’ll try.. for you. Even though my dad hates your guts. I’m going to find a way.

I don’t know what to do. My dad literally hates him, with all his life. I don’t know why though. If I ever want to be with him again though, I need to get my dad to accept him; my mom is kinda easy-going and already knows that I like him, assuming that he also likes me. But things went uphill, and I felt like I was somewhat reconnecting with him more.

Then July 31st came, Pista Sa Nayon, this Filipino festival. I had to do a dance performance there, and one of my girlfriends got him to come see me before I went on stage. He watched me for the first part, but then left, which lead be to become very upset. But afterwards, I changed in the car, and dashed up the hill to the festival to see him. There were a lot of hypebeasts and bops there, so it was hard to find him —— so I called him.

Me: Where are you?

Him: Just meet me in front of the stage, I’ll be there in like 5 seconds.

Me: Um, okay. Bye.

I was right on the side of the stage, so I just stared at it until I saw him. The first person that caught my eye was his homeboy though, running down the hill to the open area of the stage. His homeboy tackled me with a hug, and I screamed with joy. Then I saw him, with one of his friends that just happened to be a girl. I didn;t mind though, I knew nothing was going on between them most likely. So I ran up to him, jumped into his arms, and he held me tightly in front of the whole crowd/everyone. They just stared at us and went “awwww”. I hung out with him and his friends for a good 20 minutes, but then he left to walk on this trail thing with his friends and ditched me. It was okay though, as long as I got to see and spend time with him that moment, I’m satisfied for the most part. But the thing that he, and his homeboy, kept checking out girls and talking about all of the cute girls that were there. I’m not going to lie though, there were so many pretty ass girls there that made my self-esteem drop low. Really low.

Summer ended, and the new school year came by; 2011-2012. He’s now a freshman in high school now, but he has promised to visit me at least once a week after school. Seemed like every time he came though, I couldn’t stay after to spend time with him, considering the fact that he came at the randomest times without telling me. Well anyways, my bestfriend’s birthday dinner thing came up on a Friday, and I asked my parents if I could go the day before the actual dinner. They said yes, and I was so happy. Why? Because my bestfriend wasn’t just having a regular birthday dinner. She set it up as a date for me and him, and insisted/was okay with third wheeling. The actual night of it came, the next day.

This is how my “date” went. Keep in mind that the whole time it was just me, him, and my bestfriend. When I arrived at the restaurant my bestfriend was waiting for me outside, and we went inside to sit at our table. He wasn’t there, and we were both getting a little bit worried he wouldn’t show up, considering the fact that an hour and a half has passed by and we finished eating our food. There’s was still a lot of leftovers though. He wasn’t even answering his phone when we tried calling/texting him. But then, he finally called my bestfriend telling her that he’d be there in 20-30 minutes.

Time passed by, and my bestfriend went outside to go get him, telling me to stay at the table. A couple minutes later she walked in with him following her behind, and he smiled at me. He was just so adorable. He was wearing a red v-neck, skinnies, a white studded belt, his Chicago Bulls snapback, black/red Vans, black g-shock, rosary, hello kitty bracelet, and hello kitty/Philippines lanyard that had his keys and Honda thing hooked on it that most boys would have. (I know, hella hypebeast but it was cute.) He smiled and tried sitting on my bestfriend’s side of our booth, but she pushed him off and said “NO NO NO, sit over there with Gelayn.” then pointed at me. And so he did, and literally KILLED all of our leftovers in under 10 minutes. He was being such a fat ass, omg. While he was eating I messed with his Blackberry, and wore his glasses, snapback, and HK bracelet. Oh, and he told me and my bestfriend he was late because apparently he was at his friend’s house watching Spongebob. HAHA.

When he was finished, my bestfriend payed for our dinner and we all decided to walk to the mall like across the street. Me and him j-walked/ran through the busy parking lot without getting hit, and my bestfriend slowly tagged along behind. Then as we were on the sidewalk of the mall entering, I carefully slid down my arm against his, attempting to hold his hand. Then he looks at me and goes, “Oh, you tryna hold my hand girl? I see you.” and walked faster a little bit ahead of me and smiled. My bestfriend walked up behind me and I just sighed whispering to her, “Ah, I fail..”

So inside the mall, we were about to get crapes but we didn’t wanna wait, so we just walked around. It was funny because every time we passed by a store that had loud, chill/good-vibed music, he would start top rocking and attempting to breakdance because he told me he was in the mood to dance. Haha. Then my bestfriend’s mom called her and told us to go to the Disney Store, and I cheered! But then he was like “ughhhh.” LOL. Well on our way there we saw her mom, and her sister, at the apple store. But she told them that we were still going to the Disney Store anyways, so we exited the apple store and kept walking there. As we were walking there, I walked next to my bestfriend behind “him”. We were whispering to each other fairly loudly now that I think about it, even though I thought we were being quiet earlier. It went like this.. 

Bestfriend: Come on, hold his hand! I know you want to!

Me: No, I can’t! I don’t know how and I failed earlier anyways..

Bestfriend: For me, please? It can be my birthday present!

Me: No.. Just no.

Bestfriend: ..HEY _____, GELAYN WANTS TO HOLD YOUR HAND BUT SHE’S AFRAID TO.

Then he turned around and looked at me, but I looked away and blushed. Me and my bestfriend caught up and walked next to him. He kept staring at me doing that “thinking position”, and I giggled. Soon enough, to my bestfriend he went, “Aye, do you got a coin?” she gave one to him and he said, “Heads, I’ll do it. Tails, I won’t.”  He tossed the coin in the air and it landed a few feet ahead of us. He hurried over there, looked down at the coin, and stared back at me smiling and said, “It’s heads.” He walked back next to me, slid his arm down next to mine, and slipped his hand into mine; as our fingers filled each others spaces in between.

We finally got to the Disney Store and as he was still holding my hand, he pulled me and we both ran through all of the mini-kiddy-Disney-princess-castle-tunnels. He let go of my hand a few minutes later, but it felt good while it lasted. I couldn’t stop smiling. Well soon my bestfriend had to leave, so we walked her to the other side of the mall and said our good-byes. It was just me and him now. We went back to the Disney Store because he wanted this dope-looking mickey mouse baseball tee there, so he bought it and he walked around with me for a while.

I had to go though after like 5-10 minutes, so I stopped in the middle of the mall and told him I was leaving. We hugged for a long time, and I whispered in his ear, “I love you.” He responded back with an “I love you too.” but it didn’t seem that believe-able to me. It’s okay though. I told him to visit me after school next week and he said maybe. Oh yeah, he told me I could keep/wear his HK bracelet I was messing with at the restaurant earlier too. After that, we let go, looked at each other, smiled, and walked away. It was one of the best nights of my life, like a little fairytale..

Time passed by after that incident and I was slowly losing feelings; I could almost literally feel all of my “lovey dovey” emotions for him being drained out of me. Why? He stopped trying, for the most part. I haven’t heard from him in forever after that. Plus, in my opinion, he completely changed in a negative-ish way. He thinks he’s too cool now. And besides, I knew all along that I was probably just being lead on by him, I just didn’t wanna believe it because I “liked” him so much. It would never work out anyways. I liked him for the second time but he never felt the same way about me, and never would ever again; and that was that. He only saw me as a close friend, but now nearly faded friend.. and maybe soon-to-be-person-that’s-just-a-lost-memory-in-his-past. I still hit him up once in a while, but our conversations are simple and don’t last that long, considering the fact that he acts like he doesn’t have the time to actually talk to me as enthusiastically as he used to. The person he is now, isn’t the boy I loved back then. He let the popularity get in his head, started smoking weed/drinking, etc. It was his decision though, so I forced myself to respect it.

Even though my feelings are washed out like I said, I still don’t exactly know how I feel, and/or how I should feel, about him for sure. I’ve tried everything, but I guess I ran out of tricks to use. Although I feel useless and seem like I’m nothing to him anymore; I still care about him strongly deep down inside, and probably always will. Maybe we’re just better off as friends. I guess I’ll keep him in my heart for now, just in case something comes up between me and him again someday. And that was my first love.

(via daisyvanity)